Monday, Jan. 20, 2020 - 4:00 p.m.
***************************************************************************
Another year almost to the day and nothing has changed. I am still the same stupid piece of shit I have always been. I should have left a long time ago but didn't. I still had hope that things would change...that the abuser would somehow miraculously stop his physical, financial, mental and emotional abuse.
This past summer he got thrown in jail for a DUI. I should have left him there. Instead, I was STUPID and bailed him out. After that, I lost my job (mind you..this wasn't due to him but other stupid shit that happened). I ended up getting a better job a month later. His fines are in the thousands and I have begged and borrowed to help him pay for it. My credit is shit and I am stretched to the max financially.
Today he pushed me at the top of the staircase and I fell backwards on the landing. All I can think of is what if I had fallen the other way? We had yet another argument because everything is all my fault. Before he got the DUI he also pushed me into the bathroom door of the camper and told me to get out this past summer after another stupid argument. We were in the middle of nowhere...otherwise I would have left his fucking ass right then and there in the woods where he belongs.
I asked him today when would it stop? When would he stop laying his hands on me? It's my fault because I stay...it's all my fault. He keeps threatening to blow his brains out right in front of me if I leave him. So today I told him I was calling the authorities. I didn't actually get a chance because I had to get out the door quickly before things escalated. He was already throwing things off the counter and threw a chair across the room. He also tore my desk apart looking for the closet keys to the safe so he could blow his brains out. I know better than to hide them there and he will never have access to any firearms. They are doubly locked up. At least I was smart about that.
I just don't know what to do anymore but I don't feel safe in my own home. I haven't felt safe in 6 years of this hell that is my life. 6...fucking...years.
***************************************************************************
�
�
