Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2020 - 12:13 p.m.
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Update to my shitty life. I have found a shelter for abused and battered women about an hour away that takes pets. I let my sister know what was going on. She agrees that there is something wrong with him mentally. That threatening to kill himself all the time is not normal and is mental and emotional abuse.
I was reading last night:
"It isn't until abusers have lost a fight that they pull out the biggest guns — metaphorically speaking — threatening not only to do something to you, but to do something to themselves so you'll be the one who has to live with the guilt. And if that's not the highest form of manipulation, I don't know what is.
It's a tactic more often used by men, because women are taught to be more sympathetic in emotionally charged settings — likely to urge someone to understand them through words rather than the threat of actions — and so we're left at odds when handling it.
They think if only they could make it clear to you how much anguish they're in you'll have no choice but to change your mind. But that's not a choice at all.
The only thing worse than threatening to physically abuse someone is both threatening to physically and emotionally abuse them."
Anyway...I hope the women's shelter can get me an exit plan in place. I told my sister that I was going to write a Dear John letter and leave. Cut off all contact. Block him form social media and the phone. She told me that as long as I am not physically there to suffer his abuse he will start to make threats over the phone, etc so once I leave I need to be prepared. She said other friends of hers have had to reach out to the shelter as well and some have had to stay there. I am uncertain what the future holds for me but I need to get me and my dogs out. Every time this happens they cower in fear behind me. The second severe beating I ever took from him was protecting Emma because he was beating her and slamming her into the door. I got in between them. I ended up with multiple bruises over my entire body...two black eyes and he bit me in the face right under my left eye. I still don't have feeling in that area where he bit me. He caused nerve damage to my face so I don't like to wear makeup very often. Every time I try to put foundation on it hits that area and I am reminded of the horrible beating I endured. All because I wouldn't let him abuse my dog. Emma is afraid of him to this day. Whenever he raises his voice she runs and hides or gets behind me and cowers. Levi has been more fortunate but not by much. He has also endured abuse so he cowers along with Emma behind me or they run as far away into a corner as they can. I wish I could sink into a corner with them some days.
The first beating I took from him was the day I had to put my beloved dog of 14 years down due to cancer. Emma was getting spayed and we had to pick her up that afternoon. I was grieving and got drunk. Big mistake because I wasn't there to handle everything. He got mad because I couldn't remember where the doctor's office was and he choked me out. He told me he was going to kill me and my entire family. I passed out. He poured hot coffee all over me and when I came to I was covered in coffee and blood. I got out of the car and ran. I was in the WalMart parking lot and headed to the entrance. Everyone ignored me and no one asked if I needed help. Right before I got to the doors he pulled up blocking my path and told me to get in the car. Seeing as no one...LITERALLY NO ONE... was there to stop him I complied.
Today is back to "normal" for the abuser....whatever the fuck that is. I have made him believe that everything is ok and that I am not leaving. Until I can get this plan in place it is better that I comply and not make any waves...do whatever he wants me to do and act however he wants me to act. I have to survive until I can get me and my dogs out of here.
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