Wednesday, Sept. 04, 2024 - 12:43 p.m.
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A long time since this has been updated. Once again, nearly 2 years this time. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I'm basically at my wit's end. I have become a recluse and don't go out much. I've lost every ounce of will just trying to survive. I'm exhausted. Just when I think things might be getting better they don't. I wake up to shouting. Almost every morning. My partner comes home and it's more shouting. Anger. Madness. Chaos.
This morning at 4:30am it was about my newest dog Anna Marie. She has been my toughest case. She still has problems and pain from being hit by a car and being left on the side of the road with a broken pelvis. She has healed from that but her left back leg and hip isn't as developed as the right. I suspect she will always have pain and problems. This morning my partner tried to get her to move so he could go back to sleep. He poked her on that back side repeatedly until she growled and bit him. Mind you, it was a warning bite and she didn't draw blood but she caught hell for it. Every time he raises his voice she shakes in fear. Every time he moves too fast in the house she runs in fear. And he keeps yelling at her. This morning he said he would kill her, that he hated her and that this was the last straw. She nearly landed on my face and got as close to me as she possibly could shivering in terror.
This is his own fault. He broke her trust. He did this to her and everyone else. He is an abuser and I have been putting up with him for 11 years. 11 long years. I'm glad she bit him. But I don't know where to go from here. I am almost at the point where it's time. This is not safe for her or for anyone anymore. Everyone thinks he's such a great guy. Nobody has any idea the abuse I have suffered and my dogs have suffered at his hands.
Most of all I'm sad. I'm sad because this little dog who has already been through so much is now going through so much more. If I would have just left a year ago maybe things would be different now but I've got a lot to lose and that's the reason I stayed. I don't want to start over and lose my house again. I don't want to have to move 5 states away and back in with my Mom. I'm 53 and life isn't any easier than it was 11 years ago. At least the physical abuse stopped but the rest of it continues. Anna Marie has turned into a wonderful dog. She loves to be loved and loves everyone. She even loves him even though he is cruel to her. I am just like the dogs. I keep forgiving and forgiving and forgiving....just wanting to be loved. When will I get it that this is not love? People who love you don't hurt you. People who love you don't abuse you. People who love you the right way would never do the vile things that have been done.
I seem to be at an impasse. All I know is I can't feel much lower than this and I hate what has happened.
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