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Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2022 - 2:45 p.m.


Well...well...well...I am here once again to update on my so called "life"....if you can call it that.

Things have been shit this year. My 7 year old niece was diagnosed with pineoblastoma. It is a rare cancerous tumor in the middle of her brain and is inoperable. She has already gone through radiation which shrunk the tumor from the size of a fist to the size of a pea. Now she is undergoing chemo. She has 2 treatments down and 4 to go. She will be done with chemo next Feb. I recently went back home for a visit and that was....super fucking hard. She has lost all of her hair and is bald now. The chemo has affected her balance and appetite. She doesn't want to eat and the doctors are telling us they will have to put a feeding tube in her soon. She has no immunity whatsoever. When I was there she got a nosebleed and we had to take her to the emergency room because she does not have any clotting capabilities. She gets tired real easy and rests a lot. We are hopeful the chemo treatments will kill this tumor and she will be cancer free at the end of it. FUCK CANCER!!

Then I got back and a week later my grandpa passed. Because the funeral was 1100 miles away I was unable to attend. It got me thinking about my own mortality...about how I am getting on in years and I've only got so much time left myself. I don't have but a few years of the builder stage left. I have also discovered that my partner and I are in different stages of life and we each want different things. We bought a house together a year and a half ago after moving 5 times in the last 9 years. My partner wants to sell it in the next few years and move somewhere else with more land and a bit more remote. I don't have any desire to do that and am content right where I am. My partner wants more "things"...more fucking "debt"...and I am looking at working for another 20 years at most before retirement. I am wanting to downsize and live a more simple life. My partner is 13 years younger than I and therefore we find ourselves at a crossroad. I don't want to turn 70 years old and still be working...still broke...still in massive debt like we are now. I also don't want to live somewhere out in the sticks and have to drive 2 hours just for basic necessities or medical care. Been there...done that.

Then there is my partner's anger issues. Every...single...fucking day there is an explosion about something stupid or trivial like socks for example. I walk on eggshells and honestly with the mental state I have been in lately it is all too much. I just want to give up and walk away. I just want peace as I enter my golden years...not this fucking bullshit every damn day. When I share my feelings it ends up in an argument every time. Last night it was because I said I was sad lately but I didn't want to talk about it and that I just needed to sit with it a while. After the fight that followed I said I would just be quiet and I would never share my feelings again. Fuck it...just fuck it all. Sigh...


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