Wednesday, Aug. 22, 2018 - 9:45 a.m.
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Figured I would check in as I have been super busy with everything here. I have had a lot of visitors over the summer. The abuser had a good time with his sister and family and the visit went well. Then my Dad came in for a few weeks and that is always a good time too. The abuser didn't have much to do with my Dad and pretty much let me hang out with him by myself while he stayed home. The new found sense of freedom was a much needed break from being around him 24/7.
After my Dad left I got super fucking depressed. It was back to the same old shit....different day. I still wanted to be out exploring and doing things. He didn't and we do whatever he wants to do....which consists of staying home. I work from home so I am always stuck here because we have one vehicle that I pay for by the way and never get to drive. He takes it to work every day so if I want to go anywhere I have to walk. Nevermind the fact that he works across the street from where we live. I have given up trying to suggest any fucking thing that I want to do. It either ends up in a blowout or he complains the whole time which makes me miserable. So I just sit here on my days off trolling fakebook or cleaning. His days off consist of playing video games with his online buddies and drinking. He doesn't help around the house anymore and barely cooks. When he wasn't working at least he cooked, etc. Now his excuse is he got a job so he doesn't have to contribute. He doesn't really help me with the dogs either so I am the one who feeds and walks them. I have become their primary caregiver and when he comes home all he does is yell at them for being excited to see him or whatnot.
He is still complaining that we don't have sex and I don't want to cuddle or show affection towards him. It's hard to do that when the last time we had sex I was drunk and passing in and out of consciousness. I don't get drunk very often because it is dangerous for me to do so but after my Dad left I was feeling really low. He basically hopped on and got what he wanted then that was it. I got really upset and felt violated. I felt like he didn't care about me at all...and he even admitted it later because he said it seemed like I wasn't into it so he got what he wanted. Fucking awesome. We haven't had sex since then. Honestly....I don't care if we ever do again. He apologized and told me next time he will be sure to take care of me and that it was a rather shitty thing to do but I am just over it.
I have PTSD that I have been trying to deal with and I am extremely emotionally stressed. It feels like I am just existing from day to day and I can't get away from him. If I try to go anywhere but the store it ends up in a huge fight. My life is nothing but a controlled nightmare. And the shittiest part of it all is....he does it while no one is looking. Everyone just LOVES him and thinks he is the nicest....most polite person ever. No one knows or sees what I go through. I have given up caring what happens to me anymore. I dont even try to make myself look attractive. I haven't worn makeup in God knows how long. I haven't gotten a haircut in almost two years and I can barely see out of my badly scratched up glasses that I have had for three years. I can never afford to actually take care of myself because I pay all of the bills and rent with nothing left over. His paycheck goes to whatever he wants to spend it on. He eats like a goddamn teenage boy so food is super expensive as well. I have tried to kick him out but he won't leave and per state law he has every right to be here just as much as I do so the authorities can't do anything unless he starts beating me again.
Maybe one day I just won't wake up and will have passed in my sleep. Maybe then I will actually be at peace.
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